So much Ranch…not enough time
Ranch Dressing: The Nectar of the Gods (and Also America)
By Someone Who Has Definitely Dipped Pizza in It
Let’s talk ranch.
No, not the kind with cows and tractors and that one rooster who always looks like he knows your secrets. I’m talking about ranch dressing—the creamy, tangy, herb-speckled miracle that has quietly inserted itself into every corner of modern cuisine like a saucy ninja in a Hidden Valley.
The Birth of a Legend
Legend has it that ranch dressing was invented in the 1950s by a plumber-turned-cowboy (yes, really) named Steve Henson, who was probably just trying to make something edible out of iceberg lettuce. Instead, he accidentally created the closest thing we mortals will ever experience to ambrosia.
Thus, Hidden Valley Ranch was born—both the dressing and the lifestyle I aspire to live. Do I want to live in a literal hidden valley where ranch flows from natural springs and you can dip mozzarella sticks into waterfalls? Yes. Yes, I do.
Why Is Ranch So Dang Good?
Ranch is like that one friend who somehow gets invited to every party, even when nobody knows how they got there.
Wings? Ranch.
Carrot sticks? Ranch.
Sad desk salad? Ranch.
Leftover pizza from three days ago that may or may not be sentient? Ranch.
It’s the culinary equivalent of duct tape—it fixes everything, even your emotional damage. Some people go to therapy. Others just drown their sorrows in a vat of ranch and call it a “wellness plan.”
The Great Debate: Is Ranch Trashy?
Let’s address the haters. You know the ones—the food snobs who say, “Ranch is lowbrow.” Listen, Todd. Not everything needs to be truffle-infused and served on a reclaimed wood plank. Ranch is democratic. It’s for the people. It doesn’t judge you when you eat it straight from the bottle at 2 a.m. in your pajamas watching reruns of Chopped.
In fact, I say we take it further:
Ranch sommeliers.
Michelin-star ranch pairings.
Artisanal ranch flights served in little shot glasses.
The future is creamy, my friends.
DIY Ranch: A Gateway to Chaos
Making ranch at home sounds easy—just some mayo, buttermilk, garlic, herbs, and the desperate desire to feel something. But beware: once you make ranch from scratch, you will be consumed by power. Suddenly, you’re whipping up spicy sriracha ranch. Avocado lime ranch. Pumpkin spice ranch. (Okay, that last one was a mistake, we don’t talk about it.)
You’ll start bringing your own ranch to restaurants “just in case,” like some people carry hot sauce. TSA agents will stop you at security and you’ll say, “It’s emotional support dressing.” They’ll understand.
Final Thoughts: In Ranch We Trust
Ranch dressing isn’t just a condiment. It’s a lifestyle. A personality trait. A religion for people who can’t commit to actual religion but still need something to believe in.
So next time you find yourself at a party where someone says, “I don’t like ranch,” just smile politely… and then quietly remove them from your life. You don’t need that negativity. Not when there’s a whole world of dippable joy waiting for you.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of ranch, a bag of pizza rolls, and absolutely zero shame.